I’m great at being an imaginary friend, but terrible at sexual torture. I can’t beat people with belts without hitting them in the balls, even if they’re women. I’m so insecure about it I have enrolled in Imaginary Friend Grad School. I stay up all night on adderall, turning invisible and putting ketchup in grownups’ coffee. If I see people being beaten with belts on TV, I turn it off and continue researching renters’ insurance. I still don’t know what it is. This would all be fine if I wasn’t so old. I’ve been researching renters’ insurance for hundreds of years.
